DEAR STRESS, LET’S BREAK UP!

MAFS one of the most stressful experiences of my life because they place a premium on creating “drama” and situations of heightened stress.

I want to share a reflection on stress, based on my personal experience from being on Married at First Sight, the most watched TV show in Australia.

Stress is a state of mental tension

First, what the heck is stress? The WHO define stress as, “A state of worry or mental tension caused by a difficult situation. Stress is a natural human response that prompts us to address challenges and threats in our lives. Everyone experiences stress to some degree. The way we respond to stress, however, makes a big difference to our overall well-being.”

And we all know what that feels like. Stress makes it hard for us to relax and can come with a range of emotions, including nervousness and irritability. Stressful situations can also cause or exacerbate mental health conditions, most commonly anxiety and depression.

More than just impacting our quality of life, stress is a killer. The NHMRC reports that stress is a factor in five out of the six leading causes of death – heart disease, cancer, stroke, lower respiratory disease, and accidents (NHMRC). They also found that an estimated 75-90% of all doctor visits are for stress-related issues.

Enter the stress zone

Married at First Sight was one of the most stressful experiences of my life. And that’s because, over eleven seasons, it’s become clear that MAFS places a premium on creating “drama” and situations of heightened stress.

When asked earlier this year how they would “top” the scandals of the previous season, one of the MAFS experts John Aiken replied (on the Channel 9 Breakfast Show): “We will top it … Boundaries will be crossed. They are under such a pressure cooker that often they don’t cope with it. It is difficult to find love.”

The strain associated with such an environment can only increase the likelihood that stress will flourish, and relationships will fail. I would say that this is partly due to the way the program is produced. But the real science of relationships can provide very specific reasons as to why participants experience relationship breakdown and report personal distress.

Stress is a relationship killer

Stress is a relationship killer, and the science tells us so. Across many relationship studies, it’s been found that the more stress couples are exposed to, the more likely it is they will experience relationship problems, reductions in satisfaction, and even, relationship dissolution.

This is because stress taxes our physical and psychological resources, making it harder to regulate emotions, engage in effective problem solving, and put the needs of our partners first.

In times of stress, we require comfort, support and reassurance – but if our partners are also stressed, then we are unlikely to receive this response. This only heightens distress and dissatisfaction.

Numerous studies have found that when people are put in situations of high stress or conflict, they are more likely to criticise and blame their partner, and even express contempt towards them

Importantly, these tendencies are more likely to occur when people already have personal vulnerabilities. These can include (but are not limited to): a greater sensitivity to fear and rejection, a history of past negative relationship experiences, or a fear of intimacy (And I’d say there were a few of those in Season 11, including myself).

MAFS is based on a false premise

The MAFS so-called “social experiment” is built on the notion that individuals looking for love are matched by experts, increasing the probability of a lasting and satisfying union.

However, it is entirely apparent that the show all but guarantees relationship failure. From the last two seasons, only two couples have stayed together. That’s a success rate of less than 10%. And many participants have left the show in a low and very dark place.

Yes, it’s true that MAFS has a dedicated show psychologist and support team available to every participant throughout the entire production, broadcast and beyond. That’s a care of duty thing that they do because they know how stressful it, and they expect it to take a mental health toll on participants.

Perhaps they should consider a new format instead; less stressful, more caring, and more constructive. Their success rate might start rising. The key to achieving this is to make sure their ratings don’t start falling. And therein lies the ‘reality’ of it all.

Meantime, be sure to do what you can to eliminate the stress from your relationship and life.

Richard Sauerman
Richard Sauerman
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